


The Pit

by gooberAscendant



Category: Homestuck
Genre: Gen, Humanstuck, rapping
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-05-20
Updated: 2014-05-20
Packaged: 2018-01-25 22:27:35
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,248
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1664792
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/gooberAscendant/pseuds/gooberAscendant
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Fill for the prompt: remember when dave told john he got banned from mcdonalds for angering the clown living in the restaurant's ball pit?</p><p>(HSWC Bonus Round 1)</p>
            </blockquote>





	The Pit

“So no shit, there I was,” Dave began. John looked on eagerly. He had heard Rose nearly peed herself laughing at this story, and he was so ready to finally get to hear it for himself.

Dave leaned forward, gesturing emphatically as he spoke. “I had a hankering, as we all sometimes do, for some shitty-ass Mickey D’s. Just really wanted to put some seriously nasty shit into my body, as if to say, ‘fuck you, body. I’m in charge here and if I want to taste some overprocessed horse meat burgers and then sit on the toilet for two hours as they tear you up from the inside, then I’m damn well gonna have me some fuckin’ diarrhea burgers and there ain’t jack shit you can do about it.’”

John laughed. “Haha! I know that feeling!”

“So I was like, ‘Bro, I wanna get some McDonald’s. Gimme some cash. Or just come with me if you also got a need for some seriously sub-par fast food.’

“And he was all, ‘nah, I ain’t puttin’ that kinda shit into my stomach. My body is a fuckin’ temple’ while he stuffed another slice of meat-lover’s into his greasy face.

“But he hands me a twenty before I got a chance to say what I was thinkin’, which was that he was as much of a fatass loser as anyone I ever did meet, but I held it in on account of I didn’t want him pullin’ that shit back and yelling some shitty 90s catch phrase like, ‘sike!’

“So I grab the money, and I get on the bus, ‘cause I figure I got enough money for like forty meals at McShits anyways, I can blow some of it on a ride so I don’t have to walk outside in the smoldering goddamn Texas sun for twenty minutes. Worth every penny, even if the buses always smell like the piss of a thousand drunk hobos.

“So I get to McDick’s, and I’m about to order when I spot it. A fuckin’ ball pit. Haven’t been in one of those since I was a goddamn tiny tike, all bright-eyed and full of wonder. So I figure, why not just take a dip, right? Not like I’m some creepy old pedophile or somethin’. No one’s gonna hold me up like, ‘sorry, son, you can’t go in there because you look like you might be some kind of teenager.’ I still look young as hell.

“So I get my shoes off and I’m about to jump in, praying to fuckin’ puppet Jesus that no one’s shit themselves in here recently, when a head emerges from the balls.

“And I don’t mean it just pops out like, ‘oh, hey there.’ No, it rises, all slow motion-like, and turns to me as it does. Starts off facing the other way, then corkscrews up until it’s looking me right in the eye. I swear no human is capable of that kind of movement, man. And it gets worse. This kid is wearing fuckin’ clown makeup. But he’s probably been in there too long ‘cause it’s all smudged, so he looks like some kinda horrible hellspawn clown, only like that clown’s kid.

“He stares at me for like five minutes before I get up the nerve to dip my toe in the fruity ball chamber, then he finally speaks. His voice was high-pitched, but raspy, like if you gave Satan a tank of helium and told him to go to town on that bad boy. He says, ‘this ball pit is my motherfuckin’ domain. You cannot enter.’

“And I was like, ‘bitch, this is a public ball pit and I do what I want,’ but something in his eyes man. Something in his eyes told me not to cross him. So I was like, ‘okay, you know what. I’ll rap you for it.’

“And he was all, ‘rap me for my motherfuckin’ domain?’

“And I was like, ‘nah, man. Just the right to take a quick dip before I get my sick sandwich on, you know?’

“And he was like, ‘fuck yeah, let’s rap up this motherfucker. Gimme your sickest beat and I’ll drop it like it’s meltin’ all my motherfuckin’ plastic balls.’

“So I drop a beat and he starts going at it. And he’s pretty goddamn good, for a weird ball pit clown, you know? He was like,

Sittin’ and clownin’ around  
You think you can come into my town?  
Uninvited  
Can’t let my domain be blighted  
By motherfuckers who ain’t delighted  
To paint their motherfuckin’ faces  
Fallin’ out of my good graces  
You’ll leave no traces

But I wasn’t about to get outshone like a bitch so I was like, ‘passin’ that beat over to you while I nail this shit to the wall. Frame it like a photo of grandma and look at it affectionately every day.’ And I rip into a sweet rhyme,

Your creepy gatekeeper shit don’t scare me  
Can’t phase me with your questions three  
Not worried by your sphinx's riddle  
When you rap with me the best you'll be is second fiddle  
Just some creep in the middle  
Of a plastic fortress  
But can’t you see I’m flawless?  
You’d best be cautious

I can tell he’s taken aback but he’s not goin’ down without a fight. It gets to his turn again, and he really hits a groove,

Bitch, the dark carnival is in town  
All the clowns gonna turn their frowns upside down  
When they spill your blood in a flood  
Like a murderous posse  
Turnin’ your body into a zombie  
For the psycho sideshow

“I’m not easily impressed, but that shit was tight. Figure he must just sit in that pit all day comin’ up with freaky clown rhymes. But I knew I had it in the bag. Pulled out my wildest moves. No one could hold back my unstoppable flow.

All your talk of clowns makes you look ridiculous  
Just makin’ a fuss  
In your shitty pit, not quite viscous  
But fucker I’m meticulous  
Tear your rhymes down with a quickness  
Reveal your shameful impotence  
You can’t quite get the impetus  
To provide that stimulus  
Unlike my dick game which is limitless

“He and I both knew he was beat. I went to hop in the pit, but instead of lettin’ me like a gracious loser, he starts wailing, and gets the manager over. He’s all like, ‘this kid’s using bad language!’ and a bunch of people all around start to agree with him, like he wasn’t just swearin’ up a fuckin’ storm himself.

“Turns out this is like the manager’s son, or nephew or some shit, and he asks me to leave, but I was like, ‘not before I get my shitty fast food, fuckhead.’ I judo flip the manager right into the ball pit and ran up to the counter to try and order, but no one’s takin’ it. They all just stand there starin’ at me.

“So I’m like, ‘shit’, and get out of there as fast as I can, and get on another bus to hit up to McDorks across town, but by the time I get there, they’ve got a picture of me in window, saying not to serve me. Naturally I took down the photo, but I figure everyone inside’s already seen it. Maybe got a copy in the back. So I’m like, ‘fuck that’ and hit up the Wendy’s across the street instead. Shit’s all the same anyways.”


End file.
